January 6th, 2009

Prior to the holidays, my friend Lisa, loaned me a copy of a book entitled Forgiving the Dead Man Walking. I had shared with her many times about how I struggle with an unforgiving spirit. The book, written by Debbie Morris, is the untold other half of Dead Man Walking, the movie that depicted killer Robert Willie’s death-row relationship with spiritual advisor Helen Prejean. Debbie was one of Willie’s victims and in her book she recounts the story of being kidnapped by him in gripping detail. She is living testimony to the grace we long for; grace that shines more brightly than we dare believe, bright enough to triumph over the darkest evil. Morris divides the work of forgiveness into two areas or goals: salvage and restoration. She pointed out that “there are times we’ve been hurt when the only reasonable goal is to find a way to get over the incident, to minimize the damage, to get on with the healing, to learn from the experience, and to move on. Making the best you can from a past experience is the goal of what she termed “salvage.” I want so much to grasp this concept. To make it alive in my life. I’ve been mad for so long over the situation with my brother. Mad at the injustice, the lies, and deception, especially from one of the attorneys my family and I hired. I don’t believe this particular law firm cared anything about my brother. Cared anything about defending his rights. I will go to my grave believing they had some underline deal going with the prosecution. I learned yesterday that they have been monitoring my website. No explanation was given when I called to inquire. I’m more suspicious of them now than ever. I can’t help but wonder which one of their current clients is getting billed for them to watch my website. All that being said, the ultimate goal must be forgiveness. Debbie Morris writes, “How badly do we want to be healed? For so many years my reluctance to forgive was like a darkness inside, a barrier that barred joy and love and so many good things from my life. Forgiveness smashed the barrier and has enabled me to experience the giving and receiving of love again.” I want that. I want what forgiveness can deliver. I still miss my brother and feel very sad and guilty about asking him to take a plea. I shouldn’t have done it. He’s innocent. Justice won’t do a thing to heal me though. Forgiveness will.