July 29th, 2009

Today I took some time from thinking about the demands of my job, missing family members, and loved ones currently incarcerated, and concentrated solely on what the heck I’m going to wear to my high school reunion. In contrast to the sad events in my recent past I thought it would be a nice break. It wasn’t. It just brought up a lot of self esteem issues. I think everyone has low self-esteem to some degree. Because no one can ever take a compliment. They either totally dismiss it or they confess some really horrible thing about themselves that you would never have otherwise known. You’ll tell someone, “Oh, you have a beautiful smile.” They’ll say, “My back tooth is completely black.” “Oh. Well. That’s a beautiful dress you’re wearing.” “It was a dollar.” Fashion. People have been obsessed with fashion ever since the Garden of Eden when Eve said to Adam, “You know, that fig leaf you have on is so last season.” During prehistoric times everyone wore the same thing every day. I mean, look at Wilma Flinstone. She’s always sporting the same tight, short skirt with that shredded zigzag cut three inches above her knee. Where does she shop? Fashion is commerce built on envy. Know why fashion magazines are always thicker than a Tokyo phone directory? Because they’re full of ads that are tying to make you think that if you use this raspberry/kiwi/placenta thigh cream, your life is going to change, and articles that are trying to make you believe that if you wear this Dolce and Gabbana dress, you’re going look just like the ninety-five pound heroin addict who’s modeling it. I don’t know what I’m going to wear yet, but it won’t be anywhere close to a size 2 or 4, although it will have a 2 or a 4 as the second digit if that counts for anything. Here are two basic rules of fashion I will adhere to however. Never wear a Budweiser cap with a Coors T-shirt. Commit. When using a Magic Marker to color in your ankle to cover a hole in your pantyhose, make sure the Magic Marker color matches the hose. Now, where did I put that J.C. Penneys catalog?