April 15th, 2009

As a Christian I know that worrying doesn’t add a second on to your life, but I can’t seem to help being worried all the time. Nothing in my life seems settled and as I approach my 48th birthday I had hoped things would be settled to some degree. The publishing house that I work for has been telling me for months that the proposals I submitted last year will more than likely be approved, but that hasn’t happened yet. Meetings to approve those proposal continue to get pushed back. The publishing house filed bankruptcy a few weeks ago and employees had to take a 10% pay cut across the board. Given those circumstance I am worried that the proposals will not go through at all. I’ve contracted to do a book with Chronicle of the Old West that I’m excited about that and have proposals out at a few University Presses, Far Country Press, and Harlequin Romance, but it will takes months to hear back from any of those companies. I’ve written 22 books for Globe and felt like I was on my way to establishing myself in the niche market of women of the Old West, but it looks like I’m going to have to start over now from scratch. Lately I don’t think I have it in me to start over again. From a financial standpoint the need to find something soon is great. In addition to all the other daily things you need to pay for I’ve got to think of supporting my brother that’s in prison too. They’ve made several cutbacks and he has to be supplied with food and medicine. That only happens when a family members puts money in his account. Did I mention that I haven’t gotten paid from Globe this month yet? I worry. It’s a worthless emotion, but it is all consuming at times. I have no plans to abandon writing, but I did think I was at a place where that was now my full time job. Maybe a burst of good fortune will present itself while I’m on this book tour to promote Thunder Over the Prairie. One of the signings I arranged will take place in Rolla, Missouri. One of the reasons I wanted to set up a signing there was to have a chance to see my niece Nickol and possibly work through some of the grief we are both feeling, but I don’t think that’s going to happen either. She sent me an email and it was harsh and accusatory. Guess I shouldn’t have tried to reach out – now I just hurt more. I’m tired of scratching and fighting with life to make things happen. I’ve always known I wanted to be a writer and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I sure wish one thing in my life was easy. I worry that it never will be. I’ll continue on with the plans for the major promotional tour through the Mid-West for the new book. What happens after that is a big mystery. I prefer mysteries in the form of a Sue Grafton novel, but I guess this will have to do. Can’t say I’m not worried about the outcome though. And now we’ve come full circle.