April 29th, 2008

Over the last few years there have been many heartaches that have interfered with my daily writing schedule. Today it’s that same old heartache brought on by bitterness and the inability to completely forgive. I emailed the associate pastor of my church a week ago to share with him the struggle I continue to have with forgiveness. He was kind and sympathetic and assured me that many people battle with forgiveness. I believe that to be true and believe that God is patient with me, but I wish I could be through with it now. I think it’s because I have to revisit the situation with my brother having been falsely accused that keeps my heart hardened. My family has paid a high price for those false accusations and my dad is the most recent one to succumb to the stress. He’s been a strong man and suffered through a variety of cruel people who have refused to either take care of my parents dog or sell them a car because they say my family are “nothing but pedophiles.” The loss of my brother has been hard on him and his heart is hurting. He’ll be going to the doctor on Thursday and might have to be hospitalized at that point. The anger I feel toward the people who ultimately helped bring this about is overwhelming. There is no going on with your life as it once was after such an experience. It’s hard to live in a world where absolute horrors of human beings continued to breathe. As I write about Wyatt Earp I realize he felt the same way. He knew he couldn’t go on until evil was made to pay. A part of me envies Earp. The even bigger part of me that loves the Lord shudders at the thought and constantly reminds me of how much I’ve been forgiven. I’m holding on tight to that truth.