Journal Notes

More than 40 schools have visited this website in the last 14 days. I had always hoped that the books about women of the Old West would be attractive reading for junior high and high school students. The students who have used the material in class have reported that they like the books. One of the best things about writing on the subject matter I do is being able to participate in lectures at schools. I get to go out in costume and share stories about some of the most heroic women that ever lived. I couldn’t have been a pioneer. I like frequent showers and am vehemently opposed to using the out-of-doors as a restroom. The closest I ever came to that was an outhouse rural Missouri. I used to stay nights with my Aunt Bessie and she didn’t have an indoor restroom – just an outhouse and every summer is was filled with bees. Oh, the mysteries of nature. As I recall, the outhouse had side-by-side seating. Never understood that either. It’s not really a participatory event. No pioneer would waste time thinking about such things. Pioneers wore a lot of wool year round. I couldn’t do that either. I base most of what I wear on what doesn’t itch. I wouldn’t want to eat like pioneer did. I like fast food drive-thru. I’m waiting for a fast food drive-thru pizza place. As far as I know there are none on the horizon. I’m working on it though. With God’s help and my enormous weakness for pizza I’ll make it happen. I may not be a pioneer, but I do have that pioneering spirit.

My favorite movie is a western entitled Once Upon a Time in the West. Charles Bronson’s character spends the entire film tracking Henry Fonda’s character and it isn’t until the very end of the movie that he finds out why. Fonda’s character murders Bronson’s character’s brother. Just shooting Fonda down when Bronson meets up with him won’t do. He has to make him suffer like he’s suffered. An instant death is too good for Fonda’s bad guy. In the end Bronson enacts perfect western justice. Only at the point of dying does Fonda learn what he did and why he has to pay. It’s a brilliant story and for a brief moment satisfies the desire to see the villain get what’s coming to them. Real life isn’t like that. Evil flourishes and there’s nothing that can be done. No prayer, no polite words of tolerance can make it right. Yesterday I received an email that included a photograph of the interior of the home my brother once owned with the woman he used to be married to. The picture was of a party and my brother’s ex-wife and her new husband were standing where my brother stood at one time. It’s not enough that I lost my brother and live with the image of his broken, raped and beaten body in my mind everyday, but now I have another heartbreaking image to think on. I believe there are many cruel individuals involved in this scenario. People with malformed souls who think they?ve gotten away with sending an innocent man to prison. If the person who sent the email had hoped to hurt me again, congratulations. It worked. I’ll never get over it and you’ll never get caught. Things would be different if this were a Charles Bronson movie though.

I finished researching the life of Lucy Stone today. She is another Old West journalist that will be featured in the book Front Page. In addition to being a suffragette and a writer she was the mother of two children. She wanted them to have every advantage. As I was reading about how devoted she was to her kids I started thinking about mothers in general. Those tireless nurturers who, for better or worse, have formed us into who we are today. I’m talking about the woman who changed your diapers, kissed your boo-boos, sat up all night with you when you were sick, disapproved of your friends?. Those unshakable bastions of well-meaning dysfunction, somehow teach us about the world while protecting us from its dangers, encourage us to be independent while carefully rationing our freedom, and manage to instill in us the belief that we’re the best while simultaneously making us feel like we’re never good enough. Only a mother possesses the unique ability to envelop you in a soft, warm blanket of unconditional love at the exact some moment that she’s driving you crazy. When you’re a kid, basically your mother’s job is to make you look like a dork. I remember the mittens pinned to the jacket, the Elmer Fudd earflap hats my brothers wore, the rubber boots and the snow pants. There’s an outfit that just screams “Beat the crap out of me and take my lunch money.” And why did my mother insist on cutting my hair herself when I was in grade school. I distinctly remember the pink hair tape being stretched across my forehead so she could trim my bangs evenly. Some of those haircuts were just silly and would have only made sense if my school was doing a stage production of Sling Blade. It seems like mothers get under our skin more when we’re teenagers too. I remember the messages my mother would take if a friend called. They were garbled! “Jenooga called and said the mall can’t be bitten.” Okay. Thanks, Mom. I’ll get the code breakers on that. I doesn’t matter what our mothers do or have done we love them. Whether they are good women who wipe the vomit off the corners of their children’s mouths after they’ve thrown up from the chemotherapy treatments, work two jobs to support her brood when her husband abandons them, or they’re an awful women who has an affair with a coworker then lies to put a father in prison to get him out of the way, kids love their moms. I love my mom. Always will. And as soon as I find my snow pants I’m going to call and tell her.

Jim Sherer, former mayor of Dodge City and Director of the Kansas Heritage Center, graciously supplied the foreword for Thunder Over the Prairie. In anticipation of the upcoming launch festivities that will be going on in Dodge City, he has made arrangements for guests to get a tour through Dodge, special meals, visitors packets in each room, and making Howard Kazanjian an honorary marshal for the day. Dodge City Library Director Cathyrn Reeves has been instrumental in organizing the launch party at her branch on Friday. Everyone has been very generous with their time and I know the event will be a success because of their hard work. These two people didn’t have to go out of their way, but I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s they way they do things in Kansas. It’s a marvelous state to visit, not only for the scenery, but for the kind individuals you’ll meet as you travel through. It’s been a joy. Even though I am excited about all the upcoming doings, there is still a sadness that tugs at my heart and always will. Rick, my precious brother will never enjoy this with me. Oh, how I wish I’d done things differently. I told him to take a plea and I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t see a happy man in my mind’s eye anymore. I see a physically and emotionally dying man who was beaten. No matter what I do, the thought is there. It looms over me and reminds me of great loss. I believe it will haunt me forever. I miss his smile, his sense of humor, his laugh…I miss. The smile is there for a new book, but deep inside I’m crying out for justice for my brother. Help was never on the way.

The trip to Dodge City to launch Thunder Over the Prairie is a month away. I’m excited about the book being released, but nervous as well. What if it gets bad reviews? What if noone buys a copy? What if people are disappointed when they meet me? My name throws people off. I’m often mistaken for a guy…and that’s AFTER they meet me. The launch parties themselves will be the highlight of the Dodge City experience. Jim Sherer and Carolyn Reeves have been very supportive and kind. Howard Kazanjian, the coauthor of the book, is going to be named an Honorary Marshal. he deserves it. He is one of the finest individuals in the film industry and I’m glad I know him. I met many people during my visists to Kansas and they’ve all been wonderful. I feel blessed. The trip is going to be a great belated birthday present. I had almost forgotten I’d be 48 next week until JC Penneys reminded me earlier today. They sent me a 15% off coupon for the occasion. 48! I remember when I used to think that was so old. It works out to be 72,000 in frequent flyer miles. I have a lot of frequent flyer miles. There have been some new additions made to the website. Checkout the Media section and let me know your thoughts.

I would like to announce the winners of the Dodge City giveaway. The three people who will be joining me in Dodge City are Jeff & Melissa Galpin and Margie Bell. Looking forward to seeing one of my favorite actors, Peter Brown there as well. The two day launch for the book Thunder Over the Prairie promises to be entertaining and educational. Hope to see you all there!

Just when I was about to give up on the Elizabeth Custer book getting approved once and for all I got work that it’s a go. This time there will be a contract from Globe Pequot Press to inspire me to go further. Looks like the other proposals I submitted will go through as well. What a relief! I received my private investigator’s license and badge today too. That should help expedite the research I’ve been doing on my brother’s case. I’ll be pursuing a degree in computer forensics next. Not that I’m interested in computers, but I am interested in deciphering the evidence fabricated about Rick. What I’ve unraveled so far is very telling. I miss my brother every day.

There are those people in life who show up to everything fashionably late and make a grand entrance doing so. I am not one of those people. I have always been 15 to 30 minutes early to everything and it’s irritating. I’m waiting a lot. A 1 o’clock meeting doesn’t really start at 1 o’clock. It starts at 1:15, 1:25…I know this and yet I’m always early. I should wait another week to make the calls to confirm everything for the book signings in the Midwest, but I don’t. I made them today and it’s still too early! I’m trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong however. In my world something always goes wrong. I don’t see the glass as half-full or half-empty. I see it as a glass somebody else has already put their germs on. As I was early again for a meeting today I decided to pop in to a store and try to find a swimsuit. I don’t own a swimsuit. I think that’s a dangerous fashion statement for a size 12-14 woman with big hair. If I hadn’t have been early I would have been content to wait for the styles from the late 1800s to come back. You know the look – the big blouses with the bloomers, tights, cap and cape. I glanced briefly at the thong bikinis. Brave is the woman who dares to dream the impossible dream, face a new challenge, try on a thong bikini knowing she’ll look like a sumo wrestler. Ultimately, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to try on ANY swimsuit. The only thing I found really comfortable at the store was the dressing room. Oh well, I’m not going to be swimming in Dodge City anyway. I’ll be promoting Thunder Over the Prairie. Fully clothed. Head to toe in traditional prairie garb. I’d like to think the men who were part of the greatest posse in the Old West and the subject of Thunder Over the Prairie would applaud my decision. I’d also like to think they’d be offended at any woman who wore a thong swimsuit and captivated by those who were always early. Hey, a big-haired girl can dream.

There are times in life when a song, a piece of art, or a film comes along and articulates things so well it leaves you breathless. The film Doubt did that for me. A nun at the Saint Nicholas Church School suspects the priest there of an unspeakable act with one of the students. She dislikes the man and looks for wrongdoing in every corner. Armed with nothing more than doubt and circumstantial evidence, she begins to systematically ruin this priests life. No proof just doubt takes away everything for him. I remeinded me so much of my brother’s situation. The film should be required viewing for everyone that was involved with Rick’s case. I would particualrly like my brother’s exwife & step-daughter to see it. People like them however have souls that are black as the night and the message would most likely be lost on them. I’ll continue to work on the new book Front Page, but I’ll be thinking of the inspired work by John Patrick Shanley. He is a brilliant writer and I aspire to capture an event like he has. I miss my brother and wish I could have saved him from the pain.

I can’t believe how many people have responded to the Dodge City stay giveaway. Dodge City is a great place and I think the winner will enjoy the rich history the town has to offer. A winner will be selected on April 30 so if you haven’t already entered you still have some time. I’m encouraged by the response and hopeful the book launch will be a success. I don’t feel as positive about the outcome with my neice, Nickol. A few months ago I sent her a card. After not hearing anything, I sent another. Finally, I heard back from her. She’s very angry and feels slighted my her father’s family. She’s feels as though she was tossed aside and forgotten about. I would have like to have had a chance to meet with her in person and share with her what has happened since my sweet brother went to prison. Maybe she doesn’t know the FBI came to my parent’s home and told us to stay away from her. Maybe she doesn’t know how devestating it was to be told by the Federal agents during the sentencing that my parents and younger brother that we were not to even look at her. Maybe she doesn’t know how we have suffered because that day in court we lost a son, a brother, a friend, and a neice that I particularly adored. My emails to her go unanswered. The pain continues and I was so hoping for just a little break in the constant storm of grief. Someday, maybe, things can be different. In the meantime, I write.