February 10th, 2010

I’m losing another loved one and there’s nothing I can do but watch them fade away. There’s a golden hawk outside my window this morning, screeching as she scans the ground below. The screeching mirrors the hurt I’m feeling over the impending loss. I pray and I believe in the power of prayer, but I’m also very stubborn. I’ve never been able to “let go and let God” as the saying goes. I always have to see how I can fix it first. I’ve tried, but years of hurt and struggle have broken the heart and spirit of this person and now their heart is physically giving out on them. And just like watching my brother slowly die, I have a front row seat to this ending as well. Every morning before I beginning writing I spend some time in a Bible study and prayer. I don’t want to be like the character in the Ox-Bow Incident, that great western film about an angry mob that rushed to judgment. I want to be forgiving because I’ve been forgiven, but some days that’s a tall order. The Bible study generally leaves out how difficult it is to live up to that. I’ve reached out to someone I have been struggling with forgiving and we’ve spoken a couple of times. Healing is going to take a while for me, but it’s a start. I would like to have a permanent place in someone’s heart. A place that could not be removed no matter what tragedy or hardship occurs. In recent months I’ve been told by my biological father and my aunt to never bother contacting them again. I don’t like being so disposable. That ability to consistently live the love you declare you have for someone is what I admire in Elizabeth Custer and why it’s a joy to write about her everyday. I’m at the part in the book I’m writing where Elizabeth faces Monahseetah for the first time. Monahseetah is an Indian woman George is rumored to be romantically involved. Elizabeth doesn’t rush to judgment after she hears the rumor. She spends time with George and the other woman before she forms her opinion. And even when the rumors seem to have a glimmer of truth, she stays with her husband. She stays with him because she made a promise that she would and Elizabeth Custer is as good as her word. So here I sit. The work day has begun the hawk continues to screech. With all that’s going on it’s what I would do right now if it were socially acceptable.