The Hickok Way

Frontier adventurer Wild Bill Hickok was the West’s most famous gunfighter. He was a tall man with an athletic physique. Residents in Ellis County, Kansas used to say that Hickok was “so tall he had to wear short stirrups to save his boot soles.” He didn’t play at being tough, he was tough. He overheard an outlaw threatening to drag a store owner out into the street and beat him if he didn’t turn over the money in his register. Hickok stepped forward and told the desperado, “There will be one less son-of-a-bitch when you try that.” The outlaw quickly changed his mind. Wild Bill was a dead shot with a pistol. He never grabbed for his gun and shot quickly. He eased the weapon out of the holster, carefully took aim, and then fired. On September 28, 1869, some drunk teamsters led by Sam Strawhim got to tearing up a beer joint in Hays City, Kansas. The riotous times stopped when the Ellis County Sheriff, Wild Bill Hickok, coolly shot Strawhim in the head. Contrary to rumors started by Calamity Jane, she and Hickok were never romantically involved. In late 1886, Jane was telling everyone that Hickok was the father of a daughter she had. Hickok was a bit too deceased to object to the tale. Outside of Bill Tilghman, Hickok was the most impressive lawman in the history of the Old West. I don’t envy lawmen. They are people who leave every day for work not knowing if they’ll come home alive. I couldn’t do the job. I don’t have the temperament. The first time some Chiclet-brain I pulled over for a traffic ticket gave me that “Hey, I pay your salary” rap, I’d be too tempted to flip him a quarter and say, “Here’s a refund, jerk,” and then I’d drag his behind out of the car and start beating him like he was a Hitler piñata at a Mossad picnic. Eighty percent of the time, my allegiances lie with the men and women in blue. The rights of the criminals should never supersede the rights of good, decent, hardworking people. On the other hand flashing a badge, stating you’re with the F.B.I. , and threaten a 62 year-old woman shouldn’t be allowed either. I believe the man that did that is named Brian Stone – the 62 year-old woman was my mother. Sure, I think law enforcement agents can be brutal sometimes, because it’s a brutal world we live and make them work in. I just wish Hickok was around to take care of the bad cops and make short work of the outlaws – particularly those outlaws who falsely accuse people of crimes.