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Object Matrimony:

The Risky Business of Mail-Order Matchmaking on the Western Frontier

People in the American West have been using the mail-order system to find a spouse since Russell, Majors, and Waddell created the Pony Express. Ads were placed in the newspaper Matrimonial News and interested parties would send a letter to the ad they found most appealing. Women were very discerning about the men who wrote them. Many saw it more as a business venture. Some women wanted zero from a man, others wanted lots of zeros from a man.

In the mid-1860s, women believed they had to be married by a certain age or they’d never find stability. I wished someone had told them that looking to men for stability is liking going to Dr. Hannibal Lecter for psychoanalysis.

What women were looking for in a man hasn’t changed much from the 19^th century. They wanted fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion, and a genuine effort at understanding. Or if that’s too much, a gigantic diamond the size of a wagon wheel. Oh, yeah, and the knowledge that if don’t tell her how to merge she won’t tell you to ask for directions.

I’m thrilled I no longer have to think about this aspect of life. I’ve been married for thirty-six years and wouldn’t start over again for anything. I believe the selection of eligible men isn’t great. And if you look like Ruth Buzzi it’s even worse. I was thinking about this the other day when I was at the post office. Standing in front of me was some guy in his mid-seventies. He was wearing a powder-blue polyester shirt more pilled than a nightstand at Graceland, and was dusted with so much dandruff, I was tempted to place Christmas Village figurines on his shoulders. He was also wearing a cap with the phrase ASK ME ABOUT MY PROSTATE on it, and off-white slacks with a white belt, and there was a large pee spot near his left knee. This guy is in the pool of candidates I’d have to select from if I were single at sixty-three.

I wonder if the woman who placed the following ad in 1869 had the same thoughts.

“American; widow by death; age 38; weight, 135; height, 5 feet 6 inches; brown eyes; brown hair; Methodist religion; occupation, housewife; income $700 per year; business education and musician. Have means of $10,000. I am considered very good looking and neat. Will marry if suited.”

To learn more about the serious business of finding a husband or wife by mail in the wide-open days of the Old West read Object Matrimony: The Risky Business of Mail-Order Matchmaking on the Western Frontier.

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